1. THE DEPARTED
(Holy News / News)

NO ROOM IN FAMILY GRAVE FOR LEONARDO DICAPRIO'S GRAN

2. CARRIE ON SMOKING
(Holy News / News)

MATTHEW BRODERICK STRUGGLES TO GIVE UP SMOKING

3. LESS OF MOORE
(Holy News / News)

DEMI MOORE'S PERSONAL TRAINER REVEALS BODY-SHAPING SECRETS

4. TOTAL REBUFF
(Holy News / News)

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER FAILS TO CHARM HIS FANS

5. NEWSMOUND
(Holy News / News)

WHAT'S GOING ON ELSEWHERE ON THE INTERNET?

6. GET INTO THE GRAVE
(Holy News / News)

MADONNA IS TURNING INTO IGGY POP

7. NEWSMOUND
(Holy News / News)

WHAT'S GOING ON ELSEWHERE ON THE INTERNET?

8. FLIGHT OF THE SEAGAL
(Holy News / News)

STALLONE RELATES TALES OF FIGHTING MOVIE STARS

9. NO PECS PLEASE, WE'RE BRITISH
(Holy News / News)

DANIEL CRAIG TO STAY COVERED UP IN NEXT BOND ROLE

10. SPICE UP YOUR WIFE
(Holy News / News)

MELANIE C HITS OUT AS LESBIAN RUMOUR-MONGERS

11. PICTURE OF THE WEEK
(Holy News / News)

WHAT IS KYLIE SAYING?

12. I'LL BE (BEHIND YOUR) BACK
(Holy News / News)

VIN DIESEL TO BE THE NEXT TERMINATOR

13. Beckham Back In The Box
(Holy News / News)

David Beckham wants more children

14. Fight, Fight, Fight! (Club)
(Holy News / News)

Angelina Jolie angry over Jennifer Aniston

15. Brad Pitt: Scent Of A He-Man
(Holy News / News)

Brad Pitt is reportedly interested in the role of He-Man in a new film

16. JEAN CLAUDE VAN...DAMN!
(Holy News / News)

Jean Claude dancing like your dad

17. JEAN CLAUDE VAN...DAMN!
(Holy News / News)

JEAN CLAUDE VAN...DAMN!

18. Clinkers
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

...defiantly hanging on to your arse hair. No matter how much you sit there tensing and relaxing the buttock muscles, or wriggling around on the seat like you're doing a new kind of dance, you know it's...

19. Yoga
(Glossary / Sacred Cows)

For making my pelvic floor muscles tight enough to make diamonds out of coal, thereby rendering my boyfriend putty in my hands and myself multi orgasmic. Nemaste!

20. The key to differentiating between an impression o...
(Glossary / Rules of Modern Life)

...ephen Hawking's regular face is to turn your head 90 degrees to the left and flex your Deirdre Barlow neck muscles to show about three of your lower teeth....