1. PAIN IN THE NECKER
(Holy News / News)

HEATHER MILLS PLANS ESCAPE TO BRANSON'S PARADISE ISLAND

2. I BET YOU LOOK GOOD ON THE BOWLING GREEN
(Holy News / News)

ALEX TURNER TO WORK WITH TONY CHRISTIE

3. FROM ZERO TO HERO
(Holy News / News)

NME AWARDS RESULTS

4. BRIT AWARDS PHOTO GALLERY
(Holy News / News)

BRIT AWARD WINNERS

5. WHAT'S THE STORY?
(Holy News / News)

OASIS ALBUMS VOTED TOP IN NEW POLL

6. TARDY BUM
(Holy News / News)

AMY WINEHOUSE FIVE HOURS LATE FOR SHOOT

7. LILY GETS THE HUMPTY
(Holy News / News)

LILY ALLEN CRITICISES RADIOHEAD ALBUM DOWNLOAD

8. NEWSMOUND
(Holy News / News)

WHAT'S HAPPENING ELSEWHERE ON THE INTERNET

9. Arctic Monkeys
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

...o ensure you got to number 1 with I Bet This Sounds Wank On The Dancefloor. Everywhere I fucking turn its Arctic Monkeys this and Arctic Monkeys that. Well here's an idea. Go get fingered by Michael J...

10. Arctic Monkeys
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

Even "comically" dressing up doesnt disguise the fact that you went to the travesty that is the Brits. Must be ecstatic to have won best group from Girls Aloud. Not so cool now boys eh?

11. British weather
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

One minute its like fucking antarctica, you nip back in for some gloves, you go back outside 5 minutes later and the suns out, and its 8000 degrees warmer. You go back inside, put your fucking coat n

12. Celebrity Big Brother
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

...ing. It’s Friday fucking night, its mother-fucking payday, the end of another schlong-shrivellingly arctic blitz week of commuting on a piss-soaked train seat to an office full of cunts, and lik...

13. Radio 1's legends fortnight
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

..., Ozzy Osbourne (wel...alright i see the comedy) but Fat Boy Slim (legend of what? cuntdom?), the cunting arctic monkeys??? They've recorded, what, a whole album and suddenly they have "legend" status...

14. Reverand and the Makers
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

... are the musical equivalent of Shakespeare. They've got a record contract off the back of his friends the Arctic Monkeys. Made even more obvious by their performance on Jonathan Ross, which was almost...

15. T in the Park
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

Headliners are Arctic Monkeys, The Killers, Razorlight and Snow Patrol, and with The Kooks, Kasabian and The View headlining other stages and tents? Get your head out of NME and give us some proper

16. The Arctic Monkeys
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

Why don't you just fuck right off.

17. The charts
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

...house - Massively Overrated (Gratuitous Smack Remix feat. MC Tedious Cunt) Bloc Party - Arnold's Arse Arctic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Did, I Might Be Responsible For Some Of What Went On Bu...

18. This bloody weather
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

... out, the days were longer and I could release my summer wardrobe! How can a mere week later it be 5c, arctic cold, wet, windy and snowy? You fucked up miserable weather system, sort yourself ou...

19. klaxons
(Glossary / Sacred Cows)

for beating those poncey sheffield pricks known as the arctic monkeys

20. R.E.M
(Glossary / Sacred Cows)

For creating classics and being a good band far superior to today's modern day Arctic-Monkey-cunts.

21. The Arctic Monkeys
(Glossary / Sacred Cows)

See the Darkness? See how popular they were, but then they released their second album and everyone realised they don't want two joke 80s hair metal albums? THAT'S YOU! You are this year's fad, your s

22. Playing the guitar up by your nipples like bands s...
(Glossary / Rules of Modern Life)

Playing the guitar up by your nipples like bands such as the Arctic Monkeys doesn't look 'cool' and looks like you don't know how to play the damn thing.