1. OBLIGATORY YOUTUBE CLIP
(Holy News / News)

ERNEST BORGNINE REVEALS THE MASTURBATORY SECRET OF ETERNAL YOUTH

2. HANDS OFF BEST!
(Holy News / News)

CALUM BEST TO TAKE VOW OF ABSTINENCE FOR NEW MTV SHOW

3. I'M LOVING ALIENS INSTEAD
(Holy News / News)

ROBBIE WILLIAMS WANTS TO BECOME AN ALIEN INVESTIGATOR

4. STOP THE SEARCH - I FOUND IT!
(Holy News / News)

POP SENSATION REBECCA LOOS RECORDS A SONG THAT MAKES VICTORIA BECKHAM SOUND LIKE A BETTER OPTION

5. AND AS IF BY MAGIC...
(Holy News / News)

MARK FRITH ANNOUNCES HIS DIARIES ARE TO BE PUBLISHED IN THE AUTUMN

6. A RIGHT FARRELL OF LAUGHS
(Holy News / News)

COLIN FARRELL MUSES ON HIS LATEST DEMANDING MOVIE ROLE

7. HM APPROVED!
(Holy News)

GUITAR PLAYERS SHRED

8. More Monkey Business?
(Holy News / News)

Angelina Jolie is still in a lesbian relationship, claims lover

9. Five Star Firearms
(Holy News / News)

Faded popstar troubles the news as father goes gun crazy

10. Say ‘Thanks’ For The Mammaries
(Holy News / News)

Rebecca Loos thinks that the Beckhams should be grateful to her

11. It's Not Only Judy That Shakes…
(Holy News / News)

YouTube video of Ricky Gervais pointing out a cameraman making obscene gestures on 'Richard & Judy'

12. Bad Vibrations!
(Holy News / News)

Bad Vibrations!

13. Andy Gray & Martin Tyler
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

Stop wanking each other off in the gantry.

14. Australians
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

Always wanking on about how good you are at sport, aren't you? And always going on about how shit we are too. Check the Olympic medal table you fucking Neanderthals. We beat you at everything now

15. Built in Webcam
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

It should be able to tell if I am wanking, and turn itself off. Life ruining cunt.

16. Cunts Corner Editors
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

Oi! Put your wanking spanners down and update your mildly amusing page a little more often you workshy, skiving, lazy, idle, can't be bothered to read the latest submissions, bunch of fucking cunts.

17. Digital Cameras
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

...out before it's saved the image!!! Brand new camera, brand new batteries... 3 photos before it dies! Cunty-wanking arse-tossing piece of low-grade electronic monkey jizz. ...

18. DIY
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

No not wanking although i'd prefer a good wank than fucking putting a load of holes in the wall. I measure the cunt up to within a mm..im dead sure its spot on. Ok lets drill the bastard....Oh i'm hap

19. Fetish Boredom
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

... it going to be like when I'm forty?!?! Dribbling marcupial poo into the vaginas of rare breed monkeys and wanking off amputees in shopping trolleys? Great, I'll fit right in....

20. Google Earth
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

Now I know there are cameras in the sky photographing me I've had to stop wanking in my back garden. Spoil-sport cunts

21. Jamie Oliver
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

... wank trying to be psuedo man of the people "wanker" next door, oi! oi!, cockney rebel thats me guv, wot a wanking toss bag cunt you really are!!! Who gives a shit that you get it on most everynigh...

22. John Leslie
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

...r scaring all the tottie away at a mates party by hoovering up a fat line of columbias finest, then openly wanking in the kitchen and shouting "Where's all the fanny then?" Gurning without trying cunt...

23. Keira Knightly thinking she's fat
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

...talking her if that's what you're thinking, she volunteered this information), who spends all day everyday wanking on about how many calories there are in the tissue flavoured water she has for lunch,...

24. Language Bastardisers
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

...dwiched. "Sandwiched", incidentally is a verb - unlike "party" or "parent". The fact that you sat around wanking instead of listening in your English lessons, isn't my fault, you fucking numpties. ...

25. LOL
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

... and even my spare bollock that the nerdy, lonely cunt writing that, is not 'laughing out loud' but infact wanking themselves off over their latest software update! I even know one cunt who sees fit t...

26. Mark Ronson
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

...erve to re-record and make a fucking shambles of the very great Radiohead song "Just". Arsewipe talentless wanking cunt....

27. Matt Dawson
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

Smug masterchef winning cunt - thinks he can be just as smug on 'Strictly come wanking'. He can't. vote him off now.

28. Men that ring chatlines
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

Wanking cunts!

29. Men Wearing gold-hoop Earings
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

... make you look cool? You look like extras from a pirate movie you buccaneering cunts. Errol Flyn would be wanking himself into a sexual frenzy if he were alive today...

30. My colleague
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

...ehalf do you, you cunt? I''m in fucking admin, not IT - sort it out yourself you double-barrelled pile of wanking cunts....