I don't even watch this shite but his walking out on "Srictly" is now deemed headline news on all the channels? If I want to watch a fat cunt make an arse of himself every Saturday I will stick with Frank Lampard thankyou

That's right, all of us! Why? For beleiving everything those Cuntmasters in the press write about like the gullible apes we are. 'Credit Crunch? Shit!! I thought I was doing alright and was about to book a holiday but fuck that now! I'll bury my money in the garden and dig it out again once this whole thing has blown over!' ...'Ross and Brand phone Manuel off the telly and call is grandaughter a slag? Well that's surely more important than an earthquake in Pakistan!' ...'Now child abuse you say! The system lets down a poor young child brought into the world by idiots? Well we could look establishing why some parents do this and how the authorities can protect kids in this situation earlier but lets just sack a load of people and force the councils to impose a bunch of common sense lacking procedures which tackle the short term issues till this whole thing blows over!' Be it Fat cat bankers, airy fairy media types or bureaucratic council bods, we would all rather gobble up the sensationalist story, bay for blood then rub our hands together with glee once those deemed in the wrong are dispatched rather than taking a step back and looking at how society can adapt to stop making the same mistakes. Thing is, I'm not Noam Chomski, I'm a cunt. I do exactly the same. Buy the papers when some headline or other catches my eye and discuss it with the cunts at work or the cunts down the pub. Wish I didn't though.

How the hell am I supposed to look at the BBC website at work when all the stories are videos? Cunts.

Can barely bring myself to type the new, utterly offensive 'c' word let alone mention all the piss-boilingly annoying ads on TV offering a 'price crunch' on shit foods that already cost threppence and some spit to start with and taste even worse now it's all we can 'afford'. And why the cocking hell is everyone suddenly beyond skint in the first place - your salary's still coming in isn't it? Hence you're as well off as you were before the Media coined the phrase so get your arse down the pub and buy me a frigging beer you tight, miserable, Sun-reading, hype-sucking, gullible cunts.

I certainly don't agree with what you nutters do for a living, but you've got balls, I'll give you that.

How I've missed you..

the O2 who disarmed a knifeman in the VIP area of the Urban Music Awards, where Richard Blackwood, Lisa Maffia and Bobby Davro were enjoying a drink, if it wasn't for their bravery some of the leading luminaries of the arts could have been injured or worse

For keeping a straight face right through his defence that his attempted murder of Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness was 'performance art'.

As we all know, the most artistic contribution to the incident was the female security guard who pistol-whipped him and kneed him in the bollocks.

to hear someone talking about pirates on the news and not think of beardy, cutlass waving white guys, wearing eye-patches and going 'yaaaarggggh' a lot.

The reality of pirates actually meaning gun-toting Somali terrorists doesn't get a look in.

To be a pirate.

enjoys vegetarians.

During the last half hour of the show, when Richard bacon asks viewers "what are you doing right now?" a large number of listeners will be sat in bed bashing one out. Fact.