1. CHASING BATS
(Holy News / News)

SNOW PATROL ALBUM DELAYED BY BAT INVASION

2. WIN MICHAEL HANEKE DVDS
(Holy News / Competition)

THREE MICHAEL HANEKE TRILOGY BOX SETS TO GIVE AWAY

3. GIVING ALBA THE WILLIES
(Holy News / News)

TEENAGE JESSICA ALBA WAS ATTACKED BY A GHOST IN BED

4. BJORK AGAIN
(Holy News / News)

BJORK ATTACKS NEW MAN IN AIRPORT

5. MOLE INVASION
(Holy News / News)

GET VOTING NOW FOR BIG BROTHER PRANKS

6. SNATCH OF THE DAY
(Holy News / News)

SIENNA MILLER WINS DAMAGES FROM THE NEWS OF THE WORLD

7. War Babies
(Holy News / News)

Angelina and Brad play war to celebrate son's birthday

8. Taking Libertines With The Truth
(Holy News / News)

Pete Doherty and Kate Moss mixed with 'normal' people at Glastonbury

9. The Irish
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

For being neutral during the Second World War. Safe in the knowledge the Royal Navy prevented any sea invasion. ''Oh that Mr Hitler. He''s a cheeky chappy so he is. More potato anyone?"

10. Winston Churchill posters
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

Fuck off and die you morons. Next time the country faces invasion by a ruthless foreign war machine I am sure people of your ilk will be exactly who we all turn too for inspired leadership (not).