1. THE DEPARTED
(Holy News / News)

NO ROOM IN FAMILY GRAVE FOR LEONARDO DICAPRIO'S GRAN

2. HE IS ONLY NOT OBEYING ORDERS
(Holy News / News)

CHELSEA STAR DEFIES MANAGER’S ORDERS AND ATTENDS MTV AWARDS

3. QUEUE-Y LEWIS, AND THE BLUES
(Holy News / News)

LEWIS HAMILTON’S RUN OF BAD LUCK CONTINUES

4. 'THIS IS GERMANY CRAWLING'
(Holy News / News)

GERMAN OFFICIAL APOLOGISES TO TOM CRUISE

5. STING VISITS BROTHEL?
(Holy News / News)

POLICE SINGER STING PHOTOGRAPHED LEAVING A MASSAGE PARLOUR

6. NEWSMOUND
(Holy News / News)

What's happening elsewhere on the internet?

7. Ve Haf Ways Of Making You Text
(Holy News / News)

Eleven injured on set of Cruise film 'Valkyrie'

8. For You Tom, Ze Velcome Is Over
(Holy News / News)

Tom Cruise attacked by German Church

9. Yes, That's A Good Idea
(Holy News / News)

Sacked Apprentice contestant decides to fly across london in an airship. He is an idiot

10. Germany
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

Gives Tom Cruise an award for dressing like a Nazi, while anybody else gets imprisoned. Hypocritical cunts.

11. Hype
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

...ats are always hyping things up. For example, the fact that Wayne Rooney "is going to shoot us to glory in Germany." Fate has now been tempted. Hundred quid says the moment he steps out on the pitch ...

12. Liam Gallagher
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

Self appointed 'ardman of rock. Goes to Germany and gets two black eyes and two teeth knocked out by ??? ... Oh yes... An estate Agent and a Computer Programmer...almost as cuntish as him walking out

13. Suzuki advert
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

Jesse Owen winning a gold medal in nazi germany is EXACTLY the same as you cunts building a motorbike. Oh wait, no it isn''t, you self-aggrandising crass-as-fuck cunts.

14. The BBC
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

Was i the only one who missed at least 20 mins of the epic Germany game last night due to useless fuckwits at the BBC who then blamed the loss off coverage to "bad weather"??? ITV/Sky never have this

15. WAGS
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

You fucking usless bunch of cunts, swanning around Germany with sunglasses on and shopping with the media hounding you. Who the fuck are you apart from a few slags who happened to match up with peoipl

16. Never pick a fight with a Russian. See Germany 08/...
(Glossary / Rules of Modern Life)

Never pick a fight with a Russian. See Germany 08/05/45 for details.