1. YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANNA BE MY LOVER
(Holy News / News)

VICTORIA BECKHAM ADMITS THAT MEN DON'T FIND HER SEXY

2. SOCKS AND BECKS
(Holy News / News)

POSH ADMITS TO WEARING LOTION FILLED SOCKS AND GLOVES IN BED

3. BLAINE DAMAGE
(Holy News / News)

DAVID BLAINE PREPARES FOR LATEST INTERESTING STUNT

4. THE SEQUEL TO THE SQUEAL
(Holy News / News)

BEN AFFLECK AND JENNIFER GARNER ARE SPAWNING AGAIN

5. BACKE ON TEH DRUGGES AGANE!
(Holy News / pete)

OR THE SECRET DIARY OF P DOEHERTY OF BABYSHABLES

6. EMPIRE STATE
(Holy News / News)

PARIS HILTON IS A HARD-WORKING EMPIRE BUILDER

7. HOLY MOLY AT THE EMPIRE FILM AWARDS
(Holy News / News)

HOLY MOLY AT THE EMPIRE FILM AWARDS

8. EMPIRE FILM AWARDS
(Holy News / News)

EMPIRE AWARDS PHOTO GALLERY

9. ADD A DASH OF HYPOCRISY...
(Holy News / News)

NIGELLA LAWSON WON'T LEAVE HER CHILDREN AN INHERITANCE

10. PIC OF THE WEEK
(Holy News / News)

HOLY MOLY'S PIC OF THE WEEK

11. OBLIGATORY YOUTUBE CLIP!
(Holy News / News)

DOMESTIC INCIDENT KILLS LUKE SKYWALKER'S ADOPTIVE PARENTS

12. EMPIRE OF THE PANTS
(Holy News / News)

ANGELINA JOLIE IS THE SEXIEST FILM STAR EVER

13. THE REMAINS OF THE PAY
(Holy News / News)

MARILYN MANSON SUED FOR BUYING HUMAN REMAINS

14. DRONE ALONE
(Holy News / News)

GERI HALLIWELL SPILTS FROM HER MILLIONAIRE LOVER

15. THE ITALIAN SLOB
(Holy News / News)

JAMIE OLIVER TO OPEN ITALIAN RESTAURANT CHAIN

16. Knightley Knocks The Pants-Off Party
(Holy News / News)

Keira Knightley takes a swipe at Lindsay Lohan?

17. Heiress Potless
(Holy News / News)

Paris Hilton's grandfather cuts her out of his will

18. THE BEST PHOTOGRAPHS YOU WILL EVER SEE
(Holy News / News)

Hilarious pics of actor Steven Seagal rocking out at a gig

19. THE BEST PHOTOGRAPHS YOU WILL EVER SEE
(Holy News / News)

Steven Seagal live on stage

20. Empire online
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

You what? So you've got the exclusive fucking trailer for Watchmen then have ya? Nice one. Hang on, at 5 in the fucking morning?!? I might be a geeknerd, but you're having a fucking bubble if you thin

21. Happy New Year
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

...have made me laugh. I hope 2008 brings out more sarcasm and bile, which makes this place the jolly little empire it is. Cheers!...

22. Joan Collins
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

She's not exactly a cunt but she is an arsehole, of sorts. One thing in her favour is that she was in Empire of The Ants. For fucks sake I'm going to end singing her praises. Joan, you're too Right wi

23. Norman Jay MBE
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

...on engine, irrigation and the wheel. His latest Good Times comp bears the legend, Norman Jay MBE - what empire is Normski a member of exactly? Oh, that's right the empire that enslaved his ancesto...

24. Serge Pizzstain from Kasabian
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

...can hardly string a sentence together and you're not the diverse bunch of musicians that you claim to be."Empire", which Serge claims is the greatest record of our generation was a woeful record with ...

25. Fallen War Heroes
(Glossary / Sacred Cows)

For making the ultimate sacrifice to save us from the Empire and its evil Death Star.

26. Han Solo
(Glossary / Sacred Cows)

"I love you" "I know" Facing death at the hands of the evil empire and you still manage a quip like that. I fucking love you too, you scruffy looking, nerf herding intergalactic hero you.

27. MRS HOLYMOLY
(Glossary / Sacred Cows)

Just for putting up with the foul mouthed cunt and his deluded dreams of building a media empire.

28. Oliver Cromwell
(Glossary / Sacred Cows)

...d a cunt of a king, stopped people being burnt alive for not paying taxes & decided that we needed an empire in the Caribbean… Not bad going! ...

29. Sodomy and Tiffin
(Glossary / Sacred Cows)

Foundations of a mighty empire, hitherto unsung as heroes of a particularly British brand of oppression and dictatorship. Let their stories now be told.

30. The English
(Glossary / Sacred Cows)

For being effete lime-sucking cut-throats who built an empire on sodomy and tiffin. Fantastic.