1. WRONGY WOOD
(Holy News / News)

RONNIE WOOD'S 'MISTRESS' CONFESSES HER LOVE

2. FELL IN LOVE WITH A GIRL
(Holy News / News)

JOSS STONE TO STAR AS LESBIAN IN NEW FILM

3. WIN SIGNED MRS MERTON DVDS
(Holy News / Competition)

FIVE SIGNED DVDS FOR GRABS

4. Caroline Flint, housing minister
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

Yes, I know New Labour are evil, and we're all supposed to be very disappointed in them and blah blah blah, but she's a fox.

5. Victoria Wood
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

Queen cockin Victoria. Crawl back to obscurity and get off my telly screen. Who are you anyway, Caroline Quentin in a wig? Unfunny Cunt.

6. Yulia Tymoshenko (Ukrainian politician)
(Glossary / Sacred Cows)

How come we have sexy female politicians all of a sudden? Condi Rice, Caroline Flint, Benazhir Bhutto, Segolene Royal, and now this hot bitch. It used to be that Anne Widdecombe was the standard.

7. if a ROML is funny, your mind reads it with an Ala...
(Glossary / Rules of Modern Life)

if a ROML is funny, your mind reads it with an Alan Davis, Stephen Fry or Caroline Aherne voice. If the posting is shit or pointless, it's Jimmy Carr.