1. HOLMES FROM HELL
(Holy News / News)

GUY RITCHIE CONFIRMS THE IDENTITY OF HIS DOCTOR WATSON

2. TOP GOVERN
(Holy News / News)

VAL KILMER TO BE MAYOR OF NEW MEXICO?

3. ANOTHER X FACTOR JUDGE?
(Holy News / News)

RAV MIGHT SINGH TO COWELL FOR HIS SUPPER AFTER RESIGNING FROM NEWS OF THE WORLD

4. ANOTHER HOLY MOLY WORLD EXCLUSIVE: CHERYL COLE IS DEFINITELY THE NEXT X FACTOR JUDGE
(Holy News / News)

Cheryl Cole set to be announced as Sharon Osbourne's replacement on X Factor

5. HOLY MOLY WORLD EXCLUSIVE: MADONNA TO DIVORCE GUY
(Holy News / News)

Madonna hires McCartney Lawyer to negotiate divorce from Guy Ritchie

6. WHEN HOLY MOLY MET SIGNATURE
(Holy News / VIDEO)

BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT FINALISTS TELL US ALL ABOUT SIMON COWELL'S EYEBROWS

7. UP THE SECURITY
(Holy News / News)

PETE DOHERTY GIVEN SPECIAL TREATMENT IN JAIL

8. BRITAIN'S GOT MARDY
(Holy News)

AUDITIONEES ON BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT GET SNIFFY ABOUT BEING NOT VERY GOOD

9. THE SPYING LAME
(Holy News / News)

'BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT' JUDGING IS SECRETLY BUGGED

10. Paula Abdul: not into to scary incest
(Holy News / News)

Paula Abdul says Simon Cowell would be a selfish lover

11. YES AMERICA, WE HAVE GOT TALENT!
(Holy News / News)

Paul Potts is the latest UK star to take America by storm

12. OBLIGATORY YOUTUBE CLIP
(Holy News / News)

Barry & Stuart stick it to the BGT Judges

13. LET'S ALL PUT THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE PLEASE
(Holy News / News)

DISASTER STRIKE BRITAIN'S TOP COMEDIAN

14. Britain's Olympic BMX girl
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

"I'm the world champion. I've beaten everyone else at the world cup. I'm the best. I helped design the track for the Bejing Olympics. This is my race to lose...." ...Falls over on first bend.

15. Edinburgh Fringe
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

This annual gathering of all that is cuntish in Britain's universities and comedy clubs gives BBC producers the ideal opportunity to get pissed/stoned, stagger into some "fresh and off-the-wall" produ

16. Father on Britain's Got Talent
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

"If my twelve-year old daughter gets to play the Royal Variety Perfomance I'll bring plenty of tissues" - cracking one off while your child is onstage has only been attemped successfully by Jamie Spea

17. Frustrated and bitter HM readers
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

I am 24 years old, above average height, public school educated and a Conservative voting man. I have an average sized penis, I have slept with both men and women although I do favour the latter and I

18. Jo Whiley
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

For years of promoting and raving about every fucking awful new band/artist that comes along and then conveniently forgetting about them when someone even shitter appears. Her godawful chatshow where

19. Me
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

For being a man approaching 30 who found himself crying at Britain's Got Talent. My life has hit a new even more cuntish low.

20. NME
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

Many many reasons but lately for labelling Morrissey -a man whose interviews kept their shitty magazine going almost single handedly in the 80's- a rascist, because he claimed that immigration may hav

21. pants revealers
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

You know who you are. I walk around in constant fear of seeing your disgusting shit stained pants riding up 9 inches above your disgusting trousers. You make want to vomit. I wish I could do a wedgie

22. Pol Pot
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

For entering Phnom Phen city in Cambodia on this day in 1975 and thus plunging his country into four years of intentured agrarian slavery, a fate the state has never fully recovered from and some war

23. Simon Heffer
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

Globulous Tory hack masquerading as a proper journalist behind the pages of Britain's supposedly only remaining quality newspaper. Don't try to lecture us on the sleazy hypocrisy of Labour, you sleaz

24. Staffordshire bull terriers
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

Why not just wear a badge that says "I''m on benefits I probably shouldn't be on, and intend on spending the afternoon in the local park plying a thirteen year old girl with White Lightning, so I can

25. Tonight with Trevor
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

"That was a harrowing look at how Britain's youth are all Anorexic or suffer from other eating disorders and think it's good to be thin. If this trend continues, we will all be dead as a result of hea

26. Anonymous Contributor
(Glossary / Sacred Cows)

Who suggested this as Britain's motto: Dipso, Fatso, Bingo, Asbo, Tesco

27. Charlie Brooker
(Glossary / Sacred Cows)

For his descruption of what he fear the London Olympic Opening Ceremony will be: Six roman candles, Bernie Clifton riding his ostrich, and some Britain's Got Talent prick-a-ma-boob beatboxing on a

28. Walter Tully
(Glossary / Sacred Cows)

Who? Raised in an East End Orphanage, went on to become Britain's first black professional footballer, signed by Spurs in 1909 for £10, earning £4 a week. Spurned a football career to become Britain

29. Jim Davidson will only become Britain's best loved...
(Glossary / Rules of Modern Life)

Jim Davidson will only become Britain's best loved comedic talent if he were to release a video of his slow, torturous death as he flailed, writhing in self-pitying agony under a sub-Saharan sun, havi

30. Britain's got Trident...
(Glossary / Rules of Modern Life)

Britain's got Trident