1. SHAW IS A SLOW NEWS DAY
(Holy News / News)

SUZANNE SHAW IS THE NEW FACE AND BODY FOR MICHELLE AT ASDA

2. DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD
(Holy News / News)

SHARON OSBOURNE QUITS THE X FACTOR

3. GLAMOUR URINE EXTRACTION SUCKERS NATION SURELY
(Holy News / News)

GLAMOUR AWARDS IN WORLD'S MOST RIDICULOUS WINNERS LIST SHOCKER

4. COLEEN'S REAL WEDDING
(Holy News / News)

WAYNE ROONEY AND COLEEN MCLOUGLIN TO SPEND 3 MILLION ON WEDDING

5. KATIE CUT PRICE
(Holy News / News)

JORDAN TALKS ABOUT SIZE ZERO AND VICTORIA BECKHAM

6. WHAT A LOAD OF PANTS
(Holy News / News)

JORDAN MODELS HER NEW UNDERWEAR COLLECTION FOR ASDA

7. EAT WELL, STAY FIT, REMAIN ODD LOOKING
(Holy News / News)

NATALIE CASSIDY HAS THE FASTEST SELLING FITNESS DVD OF ALL TIME

8. Night Of The Living Heroes
(Holy News / News)

News from last night's Heroes press conference

9. The curse of Molko spreads
(Holy News / News)

Jason Orange shows bald spot

10. The curse of Molko spreads
(Holy News / News)

Jason Orange is going a bit bald bless him

11. Bring me your first born...
(Holy News / News)

Bring me your first born...

12. All the celebs in the "real life" Asda a
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

in particular James Nesbitt, Julie Walters and Victoria wood. As if they spent the whole day at Asda cos they are so real and down to earth

13. Asda Shoppers
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

If it isn't bad enough that these fat coarse-featured wank pieces are allowed to steal oxygen, thanks to GMB strike action, hoards of smelly DwP-sponsored scrotes will soon be scouring my Sainsburys f

14. Council parents
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

...e morning. Their death is meant to be a deterrent to stop you constant breeding. Now fuck off back to Asda and buy some condoms....

15. Makers of the Asda ads
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

Michael Owen sprinting through the store for a fucking vindaloo. Nah, nah! Coleen modelling fucking George. Mersaaaa! Making children sing en fucking masse. Flabby arses being spanked in your face and

16. My Ex
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

...agging a cashier from Netto. Sad cunting bastard. If you had any class you'd be shagging a cashier from Asda at least. Pathetic cunt. ...

17. The hairs on my neck
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

Irritating scratchy fuckers that chew up the collars on all my shirts, particuarly the cheapy ASDA sweatshop ones, making me look like somne fucking tramp.

18. ASDA
(Glossary / Sacred Cows)

Whenever you're feeling slightly down, pop into the nearest ASDA store and there will be a whole store of pikeys deparately hunting down the latest batch of reduced out-of-date crap! You can then leav

19. Asda create your own pizza
(Glossary / Sacred Cows)

For being miles cheaper and miles nicer than the shite served up at Dominos, Pizza Hut etc.

20. Gay Sauna
(Glossary / Sacred Cows)

For enabling me to get numerous blow jobs for eleven quid. Let me see Asda and Tesco try to price match that.

21. Sven-Goran Eriksson
(Glossary / Sacred Cows)

...'t win the World Cup which is great cos how fucking unbearable would it be if we did with all the pikey Asda twats driving around in giant flags. 2) You know that Ian Wright is fucking LIVID! That'll ...

22. The Pork Pie Appreciation Society
(Glossary / Sacred Cows)

...tively. Sir Edmund Hiliary,First Man On Everest. Dies At 88 Years. Hiliary Clinton Makes A Comeback. Asda Will Fine People For Using Disabled Parking Spaces. Parking Fines Are To Go Up. Its dy...

23. ASDA is the quickest supermarket name to type on a...
(Glossary / Rules of Modern Life)

ASDA is the quickest supermarket name to type on a keyboard FACT

24. All Asda bakery products are past their sell by da...
(Glossary / Rules of Modern Life)

All Asda bakery products are past their sell by date by the time you leave the store.

25. Every Asda has at least one trolley boy that looks...
(Glossary / Rules of Modern Life)

Every Asda has at least one trolley boy that looks like Dean Gaffney.

26. Every Asda has at least one trolley that looks lik...
(Glossary / Rules of Modern Life)

Every Asda has at least one trolley that looks like Dean Gaffney.

27. It's good to see that with their £19.00 suit, Asda...
(Glossary / Rules of Modern Life)

It's good to see that with their £19.00 suit, Asda have found a niche court appearance market.